yeah, i got this
by MakatoMai
Summary: because Beck is /always/ so cool, calm, and collected.  Beck centric; BADE, minor BORI
1. a simple conversation

yeah, I got this

Authors Note: Just the introduction. Read on, than continue to "chapter 1" . The continuation is the story. But I felt that the introduction *must* be seperate. Feedbacks appreciative. Flames are for children.

Its raining outside when Jade asks him what he would do if she died. He's so baffled by the question because _they're so young _and they're not going to die anytime soon.

"What do you mean what would I do if you died?"

"What else could it possibly mean, you idiot?"

"No need for name calling, babe."

"Beck, just answer the question…_please?"_

(She never says please)

"I don't know." He answers honestly. "It's not something I want to think about."

(Because he loves her and a life without her isn't a life he wants to live.)

She stares towards him, and than back to the tv an uncomfortable silence building between the two of them (its never uncomfortable)

"What would you do?" He says after about a minute

"There is no me without you." Her answer is simple.

:: :: :: :: :: ::: :: ::: :: ::: ::


	2. yeah, i got this

He gets a phone call as he's getting into his truck to head to pick up Jade . He almost doesn't answer because (he's getting ready to drive and really its probably just Jade telling him to hurry up to get her that they're going to be late to school)

"What's up?" Beck says sliding his keys into the ignition, the car humming to life.

"I-is this Beck?" a female voice stammers, and it takes him a moment to realize its Jade's _mom._

"Mrs. West?" Beck spews out halting at the end of his driveway

(_check both ways, ok go_)

"Ja-Jade got into a car accident last night Beck!"

_(_And he hit's the break so hard his seatbelt slams against his chest _(and oh that hurts so bad) _and he's stopped in the middle of the road and he's lucky that's no ones around or else that could be _bad bad _bad_) _

"What?" He says because he's to dumbstruck to say anything else. He heard the information. He just cant process it.

The only thing that's said after that is Mariah West's sobbing through the telephone line.

(Because Jade is gone gone GONE)

:: ::: :: ::: :: :: :: ::: :: :::

..

_denial_

_.._

_._

Beck Oliver knows she's dead. Its not that he's in denial about it. He's stronger than that. Jade West will never yell, kiss, touch, glare, _love_ him ever again. He's got it.

That doesn't stop him from calling her every night.

"_I'm either not able to talk right now, or I don't want to talk to you. Leave your name and number and if I like you, maybe Ill return your call. Maybe." Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep_

"Hey babe." He whispers throwing the blanket over his head. A sob is stuck in his throat but he swallows it down and a strangled " I miss you." comes out.

_.._

_anger_

_.._

_._

He snaps a month later when he sees two janitors pulling the miscellaneous scissors out of her black locker, a tin of light blue paint laying next to the locker- its intentions painstakingly obvious. He pins one of the janitors to the ground and Beck's body seems to act on it's own- thrusting the guys head into the floor, once, twice- and than Andre and the other janitor are pulling him away from the guy, and a crowd of students are forming around them.

(because Beck is always so cool, so calm, so collected)

"That's _her _locker, what the fuck do you think your doing?" He just about screams, the disoriented janitor looks up at him, holding his bruised cheek, blood trickling down from his forehead.

Than the guidance counselors in front of him talking about counseling and _she's gone Beck. _So Beck does the only thing he can think of, he pulls against the restraining arms around him and spits.

"She'd never leave me, asshole."

..

_bargaining_

_.._

_._

Beck's alone in Sikowitz class, the bells rang- ten, fifteen minutes ago. And he cant seem to move from the spot, even when he hears the door open and shut behind him. Sikowitz taking a seat next to him- both of their eyes staring towards the chalkboard as if it would magically reveal them the answers they were looking for.

Beck lowers his head and speaks without thinking.

"You can have me." He says quietly- Sikowitz listens but doesn't turn his head.

"You can have me, if you bring her back." Beck continues. "Ill do anything. So…please."

He rises to a stand and heads to the door.

"Beckett" Sikowitz calls rising to a stand.

He pauses but doesn't look back.

"I miss her too."

He leaves.

..

_depression_

_.._

_._

"Beck, you need to get out of the RV, its been _three months._ Why don't you hang out with that nice brown headed girl…what was her name…Tori wasn't it?" Beck's mother coaxes gently.

"I have a lot of studying to do, Id appreciate it if you left me _alone._" He responds his eyes unmoving from his history book.

She sighs once and shakes her head softly. "I know its tough sweetie, but she was just a first love. She was never going to be your last." She rises to a stand from the foot of his bed and exit's the RV.

She doesn't notice that he was gripping the book so tightly his knuckles are turning white.

He screams the minute his mother shuts the door to his RV as he chunks the book at the wall.

"What do you know!" he screams to no one now. "What do you know about loving someone when you and dad don't even eat to_fucking_gether."

His fists hit the wall adding to the collection of dents that now decorate his room.

Ten minutes later, knuckles bloodied, he flips open a small orange bottle and dumps; three, six, seven white tiny pills into his hands and pops them into his mouth. He decides to go to bed.

_He hopes he doesn't wake up._

_.._

_denial + anger _

_.._

_._

Two more agonizing months later (it cant possibly been five months since he's last seen her)- he's pushing Victoria Vega against her locker, his mouth bruising against hers.

"I like you too Beck." Tori says shyly pulling back away from him tucking a piece of brown hair behind her ear.

It's a few weeks later and they are in his RV and he's pulling off her clothes and pushing on her hips so hard he just knows he's leaving fingerprint bruises, and whenever Tori comes up to kiss him _softly _and slow it down it just ends up _pissing him off_ and making him go (if possible) even harder.

She doesn't bite back. She doesn't moan with pleasure at the hot need; _she only whimpers _and says _"Beck not so hard."_ And worst of all _she taste like fucking glitter and strawberries. _Where the hell did his peppermint and jasmine go?

When he finally releases its not Tori's name he whispers. It's Jades. But than again, it's always been Jade hasn't it?

A single tear runs down Tori's cheek, as she gathers her underwear and clothes.

"I think I should go."

"Yeah." he says quietly, a small over-bearing awkwardness filling the silence between them as she gets dressed. Finally (what seems like an eternity later) she leaves and he feels like he's been holding his breath.

_She's really a poor substitute for Jade._

_.._

_bargaining + depression_

_.._

_._

Beck prays.

Every day, without fail.

He knows eventually _something's gotta give _and there will be something he can do.

Its like his other half is missing and he feels like he's lost himself completely. He's broken Tori's heart. He knows it. But he cant seem to care. His friends stay away from him now, because _they don't know what Beck's going to do._

It's like without Jade- he's not all that calm and cool and collected. He's a chaotic mess. Just like she is (was, Beckett was, you've accepted it remember?)

So he prays.

"I'll trade my life for hers."

"Ill get straight A's without fail, if I can see her one more time."

"Ill go to church everyday for the rest of my life if you just please- please bring her back."

"I'll do absolutely anything."

"Please."

Nothing ever happens.

..

_acceptance_

..

.

It's a shame he never quite gets here.

* * *

Authors Note: Opinions? Like it? Hate it? Dont murder me grammar nazi's. This one shouldnt be two (yes i did that on purpose) aweful.


	3. there is no me without you

there is no me without you.

A/N: Jade's take on Becks death. We had a what would we do if Jade died, now it's Jades turn. Feedbacks appreciative. Flames are for children.

* * *

Jade probably wouldn't have been able to believe that Beck was dead, you know if _she wasn't in the car with him._ They were on there way back from dinner when some damn moving truck decided to drive in the _wrong fucking lane_.

She remembers the squeal of Beck's truck as he pealed to the left and rolled downhill smack into a patch of trees. She remembers he had just enough time to scream her name (_"Jade!") _as the car began to flip over, his arm reaching across the seat in front of her in a pathetic attempt to protect her.

Jade doesn't remember how many times the car flipped over- she can just hear everything. She hears the metal of the car crumbling against the ground, the sound of glass shattering, _is she screaming?, _a pulsing pain against the right side of her head… its like a sensual over-load and she thinks that maybe she has some rare form of autism that hasn't been discovered because everything's so overwhelming and painfully loud.

It takes her a few minutes after they hit the trees to remember what happened.

_My name is Jade West. My head hurts. There's blood on my hands. Im hanging upside down. Whats holding me up? A seatbelt. Click. Boom. Ouch that hurts. Let's see I have ten fingers…I'm in a car, it obviously crashed…what happened again?_

She looks up to see a boy with beautiful bloody raven black hair and olive skin. Her heart stops.

"Beck" and her voice breaks and everything hits her in a wave of nausea as she crawls towards him, pieces of glass sticking out her leg. "Beck." she gently shakes his arm, and he doesn't move.

"BECK!"

/

She's unconscious at the hospital in a room that's not with Beck, by the time she comes to everyone is at her side, and they don't have to say anything because if all of them are _here_, that means there's no where else to be. (like with _him)_

They tell her Beck passed yesterday while she was sleeping. They don't tell her that they were all given the opportunity to say goodbye to him- that his parents are going to have him cremated.

She finds out anyway.

/

She doesn't come back to school for what seems like only a few days but in actuality its been almost a month. Tori and Cat have been splitting her homework and saying that Jade's been doing it. In all actuality she's never even looked at a book since Beck died.

Tori looks at her with these broken brown eyes, and every time she goes to open her mouth and say something she just ends up closing it and looking away. She gets as far as an "Im sorry.." before Jade cuts her off.

"Don't." Jade says face tight. "Just don't."

/

Jade sits in her room as she watches her phone vibrate from one end of the desk to the other. No matter how many times she looks at it, its just Cat or Tori and even once Andre. Her phones filled with text messages and voicemails, but never anything from Beck. He's the only one she wants to talk too.

/

"Hey Jade." Andre greets sliding down from his locker to where Beck's locker use to be- Jade's claimed the see-through locker as her own.

Jade doesn't say anything just gives off a simple nod, _she doesn't talk much. _

"So the girls, Robbie, and I are going to the movies, ya in?" He asks casually (no, not desperately or anything- she's…fine)

"I have something to do." she says quietly and it's so quiet and so unjade like Andre thinks he's going to have a heart attack because his heart is beating so hard against his chest.

"What?" he asks and he thinks he sounds skeptical, but he's really so stunned by the altered personality (but why should he be? _beck died, you idiot_)

"I'm…going to see Beck's parents."

She shuts her locker door.

/

"His remains need to be dumped or spread somewhere. Not sitting in your damn living room." Jade says harshly. She's not able to look at the purple urn on top of her fireplace because _Beck cant possibly be in that thing. _

"Who are you to tell us what to do?" Beck's mother spits, because lets face it- she never liked Jade anyway, and there's no reason to _pretend _anymore.

"He's our son." Beck's father says quietly. "He's always with us here."

Jade looks down at her hands balled into fists.

(_breathe, you cant break down in front of them- breathe, jade, fucking breathe)_

"He…" her voice wavers a bit and her visions blurring with tears and she's just so damn mad because _your suppose to be holding it together._

"He wouldn't have wanted this." She says her arms trembling just so (don't notice, don't notice.)

"Jade…are you alright?" Beck's father questions leaning forward because he's afraid she might be having a panic attack by how hard she's shaking (_This is the same girl with the violent tongue? Who would have thought?)_

She shakes her head left to right as hard as she can (don't touch me, don't touch me) before exhaling slowly.

"He wouldn't have wanted this. _Please._" Her voice wavers when she says please.

_His_ father looks towards _his _mother, before turning to stare towards Jade once more.

The best she gets is "We'll think about it."

(That answers not good enough)

/

Jade's phone rings as she's crawling into Beck's RV, his parents haven't touched it (must be to painful) and the scent of _Beck_ is absolutely everywhere and its absolutely torturous. She strips from her black attire and throws on one of his big flannel shirts- and crawls into bed before answering her phone.

"_What_?"

"Hey Jade, the movie just got out and I was wondering if…"

"Whatever it is Tori, No. Just no."

"But…"

Jade sighed, she was to tired to deal with this- talking was like wasting breath, and the only words that were worth saying were lodged in her throat _(I miss Beck). _

"Im _fine._"

"But Jade." she hears Tori take a shaky breath before continuing "this was _Beck."_

She hangs up, runs to the bathroom, and pukes.

_She thinks she feels a little better._

/

It's three months later when Cat finds out. She's changing in the locker room _alone _when Cat bounds in because she forgot something or another. She takes one look at Jade and screams dropping her book bag and taking a step back like Jades _contagious _or something.

"What?" Jade hisses (even though she knows what)

"J-Jade." Cats voice is trembling and her arms are shaking and (why is she such a mess?) tears are beginning to run down her cheeks. "I can see your ribs."

"Yeah so?" Jade says as if this is the most normal thing in the world, and…isn't it? Beck's dead. Who needs food? She never really liked meat anyway.

"That-that's not…" Cat takes another step back and _now _fear is beginning to circulate in her veins because _Cat can ruin everything. _

"Cat." Jade says (put your shirt on you idiot!) sliding her shirt over her head buttoning it up as quickly as she can (don't fumble with the buttons!)

"Wanna piece of Candy? It's peppermint." (Peppermints are to help with her breath, until she can sneak away and brush her teeth…but Cat cant know that right?)

"Ohhh candy!" Cat says taking a step closer, and now that Jade's shirts on (out of sight; out of mind right?)

_Not quite._

_/_

Jade steals Beck's ashes a week later after she catches Tori and Cat walking hand in hand to the guidance counselors office. She doesn't have to know why they're going there to know its about _her. _

She ditches school, drives to _his _house, breaks the lock (parents are working, yeah for connivance) and grabs the stupid purple urn.

She thought she'd have more time to, you know, willingly convince them- but apparently not. In a matter of days Cat and Tori could have her in some psych ward with some weirdo's shoving _fat_ down her throat. (_No, thanks.)_

She gets in her car and drives, Beck in the passenger seat. (kind of)

/

She gets out of the car, Beck's ashes in hand, black book bag slung over her shoulder. She doesn't bother to take the keys or to lock the car- she's not going anywhere after here.

She makes her way across the deserted beach and into the ocean. It's a long awkward walk with (don't get the bag wet, and most importantly _don't drop beck). _Jade goes out until she's waist deep in the cold water, black jeans clinging to pale skin.

"Beck" She whispers to the urn. "Here"

She opens it up before tossing the black powder into the ocean with her, and tears are cascading down her cheeks and _he's finally free._

Jade watches as the black dust swirls around in the water, gradually drifting away from her.

"_Jade" _

She stares at the obvious hallucination in front of her, because _Beck is dead you idiot. _But she can see him clear as day, in his red flannel shirt, jet black hair, and soft olive skin. _He _stares at her with that same beautiful signature smile dancing over his features.

"_Thank you"_

Her breath hitches in her throat as she reaches into her black bag (oh no, its slightly damp at the bottom) and pulls out a pistol.

"We can finally be together again." She whispers black tears running down her cheeks and disappearing into the ocean as she points the mouth of the gun to the side of her head.

His hand glimmers against hers, his beautiful brown eyes coated with fear. She thinks it might be a silent gesture at 'don't' .She cant feel anything but warmth where his hand shines against hers. And that's more than enough.

/

"There is no me without you."

&She pulls the (god damn) trigger.

* * *

A/N : What do you think? Im actually fond of this one- but like I've said before, its *your* opinions that matter. So shoot me a review and let me know :)


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